Do you relate? As you increase your resilience, as you strengthen your ability to choose, is it boring? Is saying “no” to what brings you down and “yes” to what brings you up also leaving you with a bit of that “what’s missing?” feeling, as your system adjusts and re-calibrates? When you pause and breathe with the sensations, what comes to the surface now? These cycles of expansion and contraction are part of the natural flow. We cannot deny them, but only welcome them and continue to ease judgements around them. There is no arrived, there is only the journey.

When I think of healing I often envision this utopia of tranquility where I will always be moving in flow, always experiencing joy and confidence, while positive affirmations accompanied by soft melodic tones in play in the background of my mind. I’m probably wearing some whimsical silken outfit as well. Ha! That sounds like bullshit now that I say it. I’m finding the reality of healing to be rather boring at times. Yes, I do notice that I am experiencing more joy, more love, more gratitude. (Blessed be) However, it comes at a cost, stay with me- the cost of less emotional charge. When your system is adapted to one way of being, it doesn’t matter if the newer way of being is “better”, your system often misses the pattern. That’s why we have the expression “the devil you know”, and discuss “fear of success”, experience procrastination, self sabotage, and repeating the same bad habits. By not experiencing the thrills of drama and intense agony of those patterns I am getting more skilled at steering away from, I can experience a lack. Recently I noticed that my regular pattern would be to pile on shame and reprimand myself for “bad” actions or inactions. (I can see some roots of these perfectionist tendencies in the way I felt I had to minimize my needs and perform in order to belong, in order to receive love.) I can feel that pull of the shame pattern drawing my in, “Yes, yes, Tirrel, you want to feel this delirious poison through your body Tirrel.” And now my mind is strengthening, like a pilot pulling the controls out of a nose dive, “No, not today. We can choose ease, we can choose grace and humility.” No low lows to grovel in. It’s more boring, but it’s a start.

Three “simple” steps:

The first step in regaining peacefulness within “less preferred” patterns is the power of self observation. You are the pilot at the controls, even though you may not yet have the ability to steer. Your reactions and the intensity of your emotions are all part of the beautiful human experience. Welcome in the mess, it’s not going away. Notice yourself in your emotions, your sensations, your reactions. What is the quality in your whole system, body mind spirit wholeness, or narrowing it down to parts as is most helpful. What is your breath doing? How is your heart?

Eventually, you may begin to notice the pattern sooner and faster, but this phase can really really suck because it still feels like the pattern is in charge. The anger flare up, the despair, the shame, all of these aspects can become all consuming and lead us to actions or inactions we’d rather not have done. The next step is acceptance. Nurturing grace and care for both the pattern, Accountability for the actions. This is how I’ve failed. This is how I’ve broken things. Here is our turning point for change. With the pattern softened through grace and acceptance, and accountability assisting to process how the pattern has impacted yourself and others, we have the beginnings of movement. Baby steps. Patience. The mind takes time to build new patterns and strengthen. Any form of mindfulness practice helps. Any form of self care and building self love helps.

The last phase is also the work of a lifetime. Getting knocked off center, dipping back into patterns is going to happen. Always and forever, let’s not be naive to think that the sacred doesn’t take a shit. In this last phase, we have awareness, we have nurturing acceptance, and we have the ability to choose something else. We can choose a different thought, a difference sensation, a different resonance. This is the beautiful power of the mind. At first we may only be able to choose for a few seconds, a few breaths. But this power will grow with practice. With practice we can invite in more love, more openness, more shared resonance.